Friday, February 15, 2013

Potty Mouth


As much as I despise TLC for airing the mind numbing drivel of Honey Boo Boo and her Jabberwocky mother, I must also thank the false advertising company (shame on you for having the word learning in your name) for airing people’s weird ass addictions and giving me something to share on my blog. 

This brings me to Carrie, from Colorado Springs, Colorado, who enjoys drinking her own urine. Talk about giving new meaning to the phrase potty mouth.

Carrie describes urine as, “your body’s own perfect medicine.” She gives us some insight into the fact that what she eats changes the flavor of her whizz, and describes it as sometimes salty, sometimes a little lemony, and sometimes it tastes like champagne. Note to self, find out where Carrie gets her champagne and avoid that place like the freakin plague.

She also says that she loves asparagus but has removed it from her diet because, “It makes her urine taste really bad.” There’s an interesting fact that I didn’t learn in school. Asparagus free urine tastes better. I wonder if that would pass the Pepsi challenge. 

Carrie tells us she likes warm pee because it’s comforting. No Carrie, soft beds and bunny rabbits are comforting; drinking your own urine is just disturbing, not to mention that it makes your breath smell like piss. 

Carrie consumes about 80 ounces of her urine a day. For those of you who are wondering her secret, she says she drinks it like she’s in a beer-drinking contest. As if that wasn’t disturbing enough, she not only consumes her urine, she bathes in it, brushes her teeth with it, and uses it as eye drops, shampoo, and lotion. 

The good news is, she makes up for smelling like an alley behind a bar in New Orleans by having soft skin, silky hair, and pearly urine stained teeth. Thanks for the insight weirdo, but I think I’ll continue to donate my urine to the local sewage treatment facility and I urge everyone else to do the same.

Monday, January 28, 2013

Unoriginal Bastard Blames Rob Zombie for Killing



I usually don’t write about murders and evil acts committed by lying, unoriginal bastards, but when I saw that 17-year-old Jake Evans blamed Rob Zombie’s Halloween for inspiring him to kill his mom and sister I had to post my 2 cents worth about this one. 

First, let’s get something out of the way. Movies, music, and video games do not influence people to murder their family. That’s like saying that dogs inspire you to eat your shit. No dude, you have to be twisted to do either of those things. Stop being an unoriginal bastard and just say it, you’re a twisted asshole.   

I have seen Rob Zombie’s Halloween many more times in one week than Jake has, and the thought of killing my mom or sister has never even crossed my mind. By the way, I have even seen a dog eat a turd, and I never considered doing that either. 

To all you sickos out there contemplating murder, do yourself a favor and go get inspired by a dog.

Wednesday, January 16, 2013

Emails: Series One



I know it has been a while since I've posted anything, and I blame it on my pursuit of a higher education. I also haven’t been paying quite as much attention as usual to things around me that provide me with quality material to write about, so I’m taking a different approach with this next post. The one thing that has really been chapping my ass lately is the scam emails I have been getting in response to an ad I posted on Craigslist offering computer repair services. So what I have done for your reading enjoyment is compile a few of those emails along with my rather irritated responses to the jackasses sending them. Who knows, if you like em, I will add more. I hope you enjoy them as much as I have, and sorry I don't have anything a little more creative.

--- On Thu, 1/3/13, Vieux Cedrick <gykroekers@hotmail.com> wrote:

From: Vieux Cedrick <gykroekers@hotmail.com>
Subject: IT/Networking Student Offering Computer Repair at Reasonable Prices
To: kenpocory@
Date: Thursday, January 3, 2013, 11:27 AM
Dear Craigs list User,

I am Vieux Cedrick, Ceo of Craiglist. We have currently partnered up with the Costco company for a 1 day promotional event today, we're giving out cost-free $500 Costco gift card to randomly selected members who have posted an offer on Craiglist. You've been picked out as one of our most recent winners for today. We randomly pick numbers to fit with advertisements on Craigs list and your advertisement matched with our most recent drawing.

Once again, we are running this promotion for 1-day only. All you have to do is Click The Link to check out our web site made for this promotion and apply for the quick survey form to get yours at no cost. Simply ensure you key in your e mail so we can track down our records to make sure that we have reserved one for you. That is it!

Congratulations on winning a free $500 Costco gift card. If you have any questions or concerns, feel free to email me back. However, you need to claim your no cost $500 Costco gift card first to make certain one will be set-aside for you before the deadline ends. We do know that you might probably not read this e mail until after the timeline, anyways, we recommend you check out the web site to see if we still have yours on hold, which we always do due to the fact other people haven't claimed theirs in time.

Vieux Cedrick
Ceo, Craiglist

Hi Vieux,

If you are going to try and phish people, at least get the name of the CEO of Craigslist right. Anyone with half a brain can Google and find out that the CEO of Craigslist is Jim Buckmaster. What a half-assed try, I am very disappointed in your effort. 

--- On Mon, 1/7/13, annaz0v@gmail.com <annaz0v@gmail.com> wrote:

     From: annaz0v@gmail.com <annaz0v@gmail.com>
    Subject: IT/Networking Student Offering Computer Repair at Reasonable Prices
    To: kenpocory@
    Date: Monday, January 7, 2013, 7:38 AM

    I need a Responsible cleaner who will be cleaning my apartment for 6hours a week..Kindly email me back if you are fit for this Job.

Seriously?? Did you even read my ad? I am an IT student not a maid dumbass.

--- On Tue, 1/15/13, Robert Swan Mueller <test@irisaco.com> wrote:

From: Robert Swan Mueller <test@irisaco.com>
Subject: OFFICIAL LETTER FROM FBI DATED: 01/15/13.
To:
Date: Tuesday, January 15, 2013, 10:23 PM
OFFICIAL LETTER FROM FEDERAL BUREAU OF INVESTIGATION (FBI) EXECUTIVE DIRECTOR ROBERT MUELLER III FEDERAL BUREAU OF INVESTIGATION WASHINGTON DC. FBI SEEKING
TO WIRETAP INTERNET.

The Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI). Through our intelligence monitoring network has discovered that the transaction that the bank contacted you previously was legal.Recently the fund has been legally approved to be paid via APEX BANK, so we the Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI) Washington Dc, in conjunction with the United Nations (UN) financial department have investigated through our monitoring network that your transaction with the APEX BANK is legal and all beneficiary can claim there fund due to the recent meeting held in Washington on 30 December 2011.

You have the legitimate right to complete your transaction to claim your US$36.700,000.00 (Thirty Six Million Seven Hundred Thousands United States dollars). We the Federal Bureau of Investigation decided to contact the APEX BANK in charge for them to give us their procedures on how to send this money to you without any further complain or delay. We just got an information from the APEX BANK that your US$36.700 Million is ready to be wired to your bank
account without any further delay.

You are hereby required and advice to contact the APEX BANK Secretary Mr. Kingsley Agwor ( kingsleyagwor2@umail.net ) with your full contact details so that they can proceed in getting your funds to you. It might interest you  to know that we are here to protect you from any problem till you receive your funds, you can as well get in touch with us through the above e-mail address and the helpline desk.

Looking forward to hear from you as soon as you receive this message.

Best Regards,
Robert Swan Mueller
Federal Bureau of Investigation
J.Edgar Hoover Building
935 Pennsylvania Avenue,
NW Washington, D.C
20535-0001, USA.

Hi Robert,

Your grasp of the English language hurts my sensitive brain. If you do indeed work for the FBI, they need to invest more funds on teaching you proper English. Your writing has more flaws than Betty White's ass. Please do yourself a favor and hire a proof-reader before you send these ridiculous emails.

Thursday, December 20, 2012

Hookworms or Allergies?


Repeatedly life proves to me that truth is stranger than fiction, and even I couldn’t make something this creepy up if I wanted to. If you ever get tired of taking Benadryl for those itchy watery eyes you can always infest yourself with a hookworm, that’s what Jasper Lawrence did, and he claims it cured him of his allergies. Thanks, but I’ll just continue to suffer through the drowsiness of my allergy medications Jasper. 

Oddly enough, that part of the story isn’t the most interesting; the best part is how he infected himself with hookworms. Before I get into all of that let’s start from the beginning of Jasper’s oddball story. It all started one day while Jasper was hard at work clearing some brush for his landscaping business and was stung by bees, only to find out the hard way that he was allergic to the little pollen suckers. 

Jasper did what any death-fearing individual would do when their throat swells shut and went to the hospital. After the doctors tested Jasper to make sure he wasn’t allergic to anything else, they discovered that he’s only allergic to everything, and to add insult to injury he has an acute case of asthma. 

The good doctor gave Jasper a smorgasbord of allergy medication and an inhaler and sent him on his way. A few years later Jasper went to England to visit Aunt Mary and the subject of his relentless allergies came up. Well, like any creepy English aunt would do, she recommended a good ole hookworm infestation. 

If you’re not familiar with how people are infested by hookworms, let me enlighten you. Hookworms migrate through their host’s skin until they reach the intestines where they attach themselves, feed, and lay eggs. The hookworm’s eggs are then passed out through the host’s feces where they hatch into larvae and wait for another victim to come along and step on the infested ground and the entire process is repeated. 

That means, that’s right you guessed it, that Jasper will need to walk barefoot through some hookworm-infected kaka to infect himself with hookworms. If you have an enquiring mind like I do, you may at this point be asking yourself where does one go to tiptoe through tainted fields of hookworm-infested poopie. 

It’s not as hard as you think, since hookworms infect an estimated 1.5 billion people worldwide, mainly in under developed countries. That means there is an assload of people running around barefoot in third world countries not paying attention to where they are stepping. 

I’m not so sure we should blame the people walking around barefoot though. We should really point the finger at the area causing the problem, people’s asses. I mean, at the very least take a tip from a house cat and bury your turd after you cop a squat in the front yard. What’s the world coming to when you can’t even respect your barefooted neighbor and you’re going around squeezing off turds in an area where there’s a large amount of foot traffic. 

Anyway, as the story goes, Jasper gets his intestinal parasite as planned in a mere two weeks from the nation of Cameroon, where the good people of Africa crap out hookworms in epic proportions. The hookworm infested, yet allergy free Jasper has made a career of harvesting hookworm larvae from his own body and selling them online for others to enjoy. 

Way to be creepy in a unique way Jasper.

Thursday, November 1, 2012

Networks Hate the Hopper


Fox, CBS, and NBC Universal have all sued DISH in California for its Hopper feature. For those of you who have never heard of The Hopper, and have been living under a rock, or in the Appalachians with the Turtle Man, I’ll enlighten you. 

This feature, which records all prime time shows from the major networks mentioned earlier, allows DISH subscribers to auto skip commercials. That’s right, no more singing cats, or elves modeling the latest Levi jeans in 4x fast forward for Hopper users. 

Right about now you may be asking yourself the same questions I did when I first heard about this. Where do I get three? That, and how can skipping commercials be illegal, and on what grounds can they possibly sue DISH? 

In the distorted mind of former Turner Broadcasting executive Jamie Kellner, it is illegal, and referred to skipping commercials as “theft.” Seriously Jamie, theft? 

The real thieves are the goobers stealing my time and sanity five minutes at a time in blocks of four. You have any idea how many hours of my life Snap Crackle and Pop, or Chester the Cheetah have stolen from me, not to mention that crazy ass bird and his cocoa puffs? 

You’re just pissed off that someone has finally decided to stand up to the propagators of extra glossy looking big macs and the lying douche bags getting paid to pretend to enjoy them in high-definition. 

And don’t even get me started about tampon commercials. Do those really need advertising? It’s not as if all the women over the age of twelve don’t know they exist. When was the last time you heard someone say, “Wow, those tampon commercials saved me three pairs of pants this week!” 

On behalf of all the Americans who wish they could take their wasted time back from the Keebler Elves, I salute you DISH. Long live the Hopper and all of its advancements to come.