Wednesday, January 16, 2013

Emails: Series One



I know it has been a while since I've posted anything, and I blame it on my pursuit of a higher education. I also haven’t been paying quite as much attention as usual to things around me that provide me with quality material to write about, so I’m taking a different approach with this next post. The one thing that has really been chapping my ass lately is the scam emails I have been getting in response to an ad I posted on Craigslist offering computer repair services. So what I have done for your reading enjoyment is compile a few of those emails along with my rather irritated responses to the jackasses sending them. Who knows, if you like em, I will add more. I hope you enjoy them as much as I have, and sorry I don't have anything a little more creative.

--- On Thu, 1/3/13, Vieux Cedrick <gykroekers@hotmail.com> wrote:

From: Vieux Cedrick <gykroekers@hotmail.com>
Subject: IT/Networking Student Offering Computer Repair at Reasonable Prices
To: kenpocory@
Date: Thursday, January 3, 2013, 11:27 AM
Dear Craigs list User,

I am Vieux Cedrick, Ceo of Craiglist. We have currently partnered up with the Costco company for a 1 day promotional event today, we're giving out cost-free $500 Costco gift card to randomly selected members who have posted an offer on Craiglist. You've been picked out as one of our most recent winners for today. We randomly pick numbers to fit with advertisements on Craigs list and your advertisement matched with our most recent drawing.

Once again, we are running this promotion for 1-day only. All you have to do is Click The Link to check out our web site made for this promotion and apply for the quick survey form to get yours at no cost. Simply ensure you key in your e mail so we can track down our records to make sure that we have reserved one for you. That is it!

Congratulations on winning a free $500 Costco gift card. If you have any questions or concerns, feel free to email me back. However, you need to claim your no cost $500 Costco gift card first to make certain one will be set-aside for you before the deadline ends. We do know that you might probably not read this e mail until after the timeline, anyways, we recommend you check out the web site to see if we still have yours on hold, which we always do due to the fact other people haven't claimed theirs in time.

Vieux Cedrick
Ceo, Craiglist

Hi Vieux,

If you are going to try and phish people, at least get the name of the CEO of Craigslist right. Anyone with half a brain can Google and find out that the CEO of Craigslist is Jim Buckmaster. What a half-assed try, I am very disappointed in your effort. 

--- On Mon, 1/7/13, annaz0v@gmail.com <annaz0v@gmail.com> wrote:

     From: annaz0v@gmail.com <annaz0v@gmail.com>
    Subject: IT/Networking Student Offering Computer Repair at Reasonable Prices
    To: kenpocory@
    Date: Monday, January 7, 2013, 7:38 AM

    I need a Responsible cleaner who will be cleaning my apartment for 6hours a week..Kindly email me back if you are fit for this Job.

Seriously?? Did you even read my ad? I am an IT student not a maid dumbass.

--- On Tue, 1/15/13, Robert Swan Mueller <test@irisaco.com> wrote:

From: Robert Swan Mueller <test@irisaco.com>
Subject: OFFICIAL LETTER FROM FBI DATED: 01/15/13.
To:
Date: Tuesday, January 15, 2013, 10:23 PM
OFFICIAL LETTER FROM FEDERAL BUREAU OF INVESTIGATION (FBI) EXECUTIVE DIRECTOR ROBERT MUELLER III FEDERAL BUREAU OF INVESTIGATION WASHINGTON DC. FBI SEEKING
TO WIRETAP INTERNET.

The Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI). Through our intelligence monitoring network has discovered that the transaction that the bank contacted you previously was legal.Recently the fund has been legally approved to be paid via APEX BANK, so we the Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI) Washington Dc, in conjunction with the United Nations (UN) financial department have investigated through our monitoring network that your transaction with the APEX BANK is legal and all beneficiary can claim there fund due to the recent meeting held in Washington on 30 December 2011.

You have the legitimate right to complete your transaction to claim your US$36.700,000.00 (Thirty Six Million Seven Hundred Thousands United States dollars). We the Federal Bureau of Investigation decided to contact the APEX BANK in charge for them to give us their procedures on how to send this money to you without any further complain or delay. We just got an information from the APEX BANK that your US$36.700 Million is ready to be wired to your bank
account without any further delay.

You are hereby required and advice to contact the APEX BANK Secretary Mr. Kingsley Agwor ( kingsleyagwor2@umail.net ) with your full contact details so that they can proceed in getting your funds to you. It might interest you  to know that we are here to protect you from any problem till you receive your funds, you can as well get in touch with us through the above e-mail address and the helpline desk.

Looking forward to hear from you as soon as you receive this message.

Best Regards,
Robert Swan Mueller
Federal Bureau of Investigation
J.Edgar Hoover Building
935 Pennsylvania Avenue,
NW Washington, D.C
20535-0001, USA.

Hi Robert,

Your grasp of the English language hurts my sensitive brain. If you do indeed work for the FBI, they need to invest more funds on teaching you proper English. Your writing has more flaws than Betty White's ass. Please do yourself a favor and hire a proof-reader before you send these ridiculous emails.

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