Hookworms or Allergies?

Repeatedly life proves to me that truth is stranger than fiction, and even I couldn’t make something this creepy up if I wanted to. If you ever get tired of taking Benadryl for those itchy watery eyes you can always infest yourself with a hookworm, that’s what Jasper Lawrence did, and he claims it cured him of his allergies. Thanks, but I’ll just continue to suffer through the drowsiness of my allergy medications Jasper. 

Oddly enough, that part of the story isn’t the most interesting; the best part is how he infected himself with hookworms. Before I get into all of that let’s start from the beginning of Jasper’s oddball story. It all started one day while Jasper was hard at work clearing some brush for his landscaping business and was stung by bees, only to find out the hard way that he was allergic to the little pollen suckers. 

Jasper did what any death-fearing individual would do when their throat swells shut and went to the hospital. After the doctors tested Jasper to make sure he wasn’t allergic to anything else, they discovered that he’s only allergic to everything, and to add insult to injury he has an acute case of asthma. 

The good doctor gave Jasper a smorgasbord of allergy medication and an inhaler and sent him on his way. A few years later Jasper went to England to visit Aunt Mary and the subject of his relentless allergies came up. Well, like any creepy English aunt would do, she recommended a good ole hookworm infestation. 

If you’re not familiar with how people are infested by hookworms, let me enlighten you. Hookworms migrate through their host’s skin until they reach the intestines where they attach themselves, feed, and lay eggs. The hookworm’s eggs are then passed out through the host’s feces where they hatch into larvae and wait for another victim to come along and step on the infested ground and the entire process is repeated. 

That means, that’s right you guessed it, that Jasper will need to walk barefoot through some hookworm-infected kaka to infect himself with hookworms. If you have an enquiring mind like I do, you may at this point be asking yourself where does one go to tiptoe through tainted fields of hookworm-infested poopie. 

It’s not as hard as you think, since hookworms infect an estimated 1.5 billion people worldwide, mainly in under developed countries. That means there is an assload of people running around barefoot in third world countries not paying attention to where they are stepping. 

I’m not so sure we should blame the people walking around barefoot though. We should really point the finger at the area causing the problem, people’s asses. I mean, at the very least take a tip from a house cat and bury your turd after you cop a squat in the front yard. What’s the world coming to when you can’t even respect your barefooted neighbor and you’re going around squeezing off turds in an area where there’s a large amount of foot traffic. 

Anyway, as the story goes, Jasper gets his intestinal parasite as planned in a mere two weeks from the nation of Cameroon, where the good people of Africa crap out hookworms in epic proportions. The hookworm infested, yet allergy free Jasper has made a career of harvesting hookworm larvae from his own body and selling them online for others to enjoy. 

Way to be creepy in a unique way Jasper.