Thursday, November 1, 2012

Networks Hate the Hopper


Fox, CBS, and NBC Universal have all sued DISH in California for its Hopper feature. For those of you who have never heard of The Hopper, and have been living under a rock, or in the Appalachians with the Turtle Man, I’ll enlighten you. 

This feature, which records all prime time shows from the major networks mentioned earlier, allows DISH subscribers to auto skip commercials. That’s right, no more singing cats, or elves modeling the latest Levi jeans in 4x fast forward for Hopper users. 

Right about now you may be asking yourself the same questions I did when I first heard about this. Where do I get three? That, and how can skipping commercials be illegal, and on what grounds can they possibly sue DISH? 

In the distorted mind of former Turner Broadcasting executive Jamie Kellner, it is illegal, and referred to skipping commercials as “theft.” Seriously Jamie, theft? 

The real thieves are the goobers stealing my time and sanity five minutes at a time in blocks of four. You have any idea how many hours of my life Snap Crackle and Pop, or Chester the Cheetah have stolen from me, not to mention that crazy ass bird and his cocoa puffs? 

You’re just pissed off that someone has finally decided to stand up to the propagators of extra glossy looking big macs and the lying douche bags getting paid to pretend to enjoy them in high-definition. 

And don’t even get me started about tampon commercials. Do those really need advertising? It’s not as if all the women over the age of twelve don’t know they exist. When was the last time you heard someone say, “Wow, those tampon commercials saved me three pairs of pants this week!” 

On behalf of all the Americans who wish they could take their wasted time back from the Keebler Elves, I salute you DISH. Long live the Hopper and all of its advancements to come.

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